Spud Hitler

Help!! Help!! Mutant spuds are attacking

Mashed potatoes are flying

Mutant Spuds are terrorizing Kroger

They are scooping up kids for Spud Hitler

Spud Hitler is an evil mad scientist

And these mutant spuds are his newest

Newest evil invention to take over

He doesn’t want Publix, he wants Kroger

He is the distant descendent of Hitler

And he too inspires to be a dictator

He is 5 feet tall and is never happy

He is thin and goes from sad to angry

So he takes these kids prisoner

And uses them to take over

But the store manager knows what to do

He runs outside and blows his kazoo

Out of the clouds you hear loud country

Blaring Hank Williams Jr from a buggy

It’s the buggy of the Kroger Kids

They are here to smash some spuds

As they land Spud Hitler sets his trap

A large net lands on them, Oh Crap!

The Kroger kids begin to struggle

But the net is begging to closely cuddle

Find out what happens on the next episode of Kroger Kids!

The Adventures of Kroger Kids

Whenever there is evil around

Whenever crime is going down

You will have no fear

Because Kroger Kids are here

This crime fighting couple will save you

Whether you’re fighting a lion at the zoo

Or aliens are invading your local Walmart

There is one simple thing you must start

Pull out your Kroger Kids kazoo

And play their song, “do do dooo doo do”

They fly around in a super grocery buggy

It has big foot tires, bazookas and can fly

Captain Cowboy is a country cowboy

His hat is razor sharp and isn’t a toy

And if that doesn’t work he is super strong

He can also stretch his body super long

The Red Heroine is the beautiful one

Her laser vision will melt you to the bone

Did I mention she can blow a kiss

That will paralyze you and it never misses

Together they fight crime

So if you’re evil you’re out of time

If you’re in need than don’t worry

Bc Kroger Kids are the hero in your story

The Adventures of Kroger Kids

Whenever there is evil around

Whenever crime is going down

You will have no fear

Because Kroger Kids are here

This crime fighting couple will save you

Whether you’re fighting a lion at the zoo

Or aliens are invading your local Walmart

There is one simple thing you must start

Pull out your Kroger Kids kazoo

And play their song, “do do dooo doo do”

They fly around in a super grocery buggy

It has big foot tires, bazookas and can fly

Magnificent Mark is a country cowboy

His hat is razor sharp and isn’t a toy

And if that doesn’t work he is super strong

He can also stretch his body super long

Charismatic Carrie is the beautiful one

Her laser vision will melt you to the bone

Did I mention she can blow a kiss

That will paralyze you and it never misses

Together they fight crime

So if you’re evil you’re out of time

If you’re in need than don’t worry

Bc Kroger Kids are the hero in your story

The Country Nerd

I listen to bluegrass as I play horseshoes

I clean guns while Hank sings the blues

I eat Spam and fried bologna sandwiches

I drive my Jeep through muddy ditches

I play PS4 on my hi-def television

I don’t need paper to do long division

I support Pichard in the Trekky argument

I believe comic books is money well spent

You don’t need to be Einstein to see

That I’m a mix of nerd and country

I can drop you with my recurve bow

I know to use a potion when health is low

I can whoop your ass in a fist fight

Or beat you in chess all night

I can beat you in every poker game

my Magic deck will put yours to shame

While these are usually clashing styles

Inside of me they drive the women wild

I have the confidence of a redneck Romeo

But the personality of your favorite hero

So don’t try to put me in a box

Or I’ll barrel roll out like Starfox

I’m unique and my own man

Keep your stereotypes I have my plan

Prayers to Heaven

My grandfather passed away

Before I ever got a chance to say

I love you, thank you

You did the best you could do

You taught me to be a man

To always have a plan

To be humble and kind

And always speak my mind

But you never got to see

The life I hope you wanted for me

I never got hear spoken aloud

That you were proud

You never got to meet my son

To play and have fun

You never got to see me be a dad

Or to pick me up when I was sad

I just pray you’re in heaven smiling

And I may have fallen but I’m trying

To live up to your expectations of me

And be half the man you didn’t have to be

New Chapter

Life is full of peaks and valleys

Of open fields and narrow alleys

Life can change in a moments notice

Or be in a long state of bliss

One thing you can never fear

Is making someone shed a tear

You are responsible for your own path

It’s up to you to drain the bath

So when life has pushed you in a pit

When it’s covered you in shit

It’s your responsibility to revolt

To give life a brand new jolt

If your job sucks donkey dick

Then it’s up to you to say “fuck it I quit “

You’re mate is a first rate bitch

Hand her a broom and say “beat it witch”

If bettering yourself makes another cry

Than it’s probably best to tell them bye

A true friend wants you to succeed

They want to help you when you need

Never be afraid to make a change

Never be afraid to be a little strange

Be the best motherfucker you can be

Be the boss of your awesome destiny

Living the Dream

I’m walking down the hall to eat lunch

I pass mi amigo and get a friendly punch

He asks “how’s life? peaches and cream?”

I reply with my classic “living the dream”

Now there’s plenty of truthful answers

Like the upper admin fuels my anger

Or that I didn’t sleep good last night

my brain just replays that face in the light

The face of the beaten 10 year old boy

Who ran away because his life had no joy

He hid from his parents who forced him to take autism meds

He didn’t need but they got more money from the feds

I could say that I’m frustrated that I’m fat

I want to lose weight but it’s not as easy as that

Life is stressful and when I’m stressed I eat

That when I have time to exercise I’m too beat

I could tell him that I just want a day

But life doesn’t work that way

Responsibilities don’t just go away

These are things I don’t say

Because life may be hard for me

But my friend doesn’t need negativity

I’m sure his life has it’s own problems

Adding to it isn’t fair to him

Also if you give into the negative

The pity you get becomes addictive

It starts to consume you like a demon

And people see you as a sour lemon

So as you wade the waters of misery

Don’t forget all the happy

Like the same boy giving you a smile

You’re alive for an extra little while

You get to hug your son at the end of the day

You get a home cooked meal and not one off a tray

You get a job well done from someone you respect

You get to know there’s someone who knows you’ll be there to protect

Life is all about give and take

It’s up to you what day to make

So when you’re thinking about blowing off steam

Just remember sometimes it’s up to you to be living the dream

The Tough One

Sir he’s barricaded himself inside

We don’t know why he won’t come out

Maybe he’s scared, maybe it’s his pride

“GET OUT NOW” I shout

But the situation remains unchanged

My next move is to force him to leave

I press and press but he’s deranged

This is going to require I roll up my sleeves

If he thinks I’m giving up that easy

He has another thing coming

I grit my teeth and wipe the sweat away

I go hard and start pushing

Dammit I failed again

He’s definitely a tough one to crack

But I’m determined that I will win

It’s time for my secret attack

I back away and pretend to relax

I pull off all the pressure

He thinks it’s safe, then WHACK

He falls straight into the water

And I’m constipated no more

I clean up the mess from that turd

Wash my hands and exit thru the door

And hope next time won’t be so absurd

Just Hang In There

You have a boss pissing on you and telling you it’s rain

They just laugh every time they see you wince in pain

They don’t care about you, you’re just a cog in the machine

If you left they would just insert a new cog where you had been

You try to talk to others about what plan you should take

They tell you to HANG IN THERE, it’ll get better just wait

Everyone expects you just to eat shit bite by bite

I say FUCK THAT! It’s time to stand up and fight

It’s time to break free from the mindless herd of sheep

Your life’s a nightmare. it’s time to wake up from your sleep

Stand on your feet and show them you won’t be a pawn

You will do what makes you happy, even if you have to go alone

You may be stuck in a toxic relationship with a girl you hate

Just because y’all had fun and she ended up being late

You want to do what’s best but those aren’t sprinkles

There’s shit on your cake, and she doesn’t like to see you giggle

You ask your mom and dad for advice and they say HANG IN THERE

They don’t see the pain in your heart, they don’t hear what you hear

No one knows the hell you go through so don’t compare

They don’t know you’ve had to wash blood out of your hair

It’s time to free yourself from those toxic chains making you a slave

It’s time to quit letting them telling you how to behave

They have lived their life now it’s time to live your own

It may be scary but sometimes you have to go out there alone

HANG IN THERE is the mantra of the weak and mindless

If you’re living in hell its time to change your address

Because sometimes you didn’t realize when you wait to be cut loose

It’s too late to get free from the hangman’s noose

Hillbilly Heaven

I don’t wanna die soon but When I die I don’t want to go to hell

I want to be greeted at heavens gates with a rebel yell

I don’t need streets paved with gold or St Peter at the pearly gates

Let Dale Earnhardt pick me up and forget how to use his brakes

Let the angels float around on biscuit clouds and play banjos

Forget tunics and robes, I want flannel and jeans for clothes

Let Johnny cash songs wake me up when I take a nap

And have my granny send me for a switch when I have a mishap

Set up a shooting range for me to play with all the guns

Have fried chicken and pulled pork on homemade buns

If Jesus wants to talk make sure you need four wheel drive to get there

And it would be pretty cool if he didn’t mind when I swear

I don’t know how heaven will be but I pray it was designed by a hillbilly

Let there be southern bells, country music, horseshoes and I’ll be happy

If it can’t be all for hillbillies i hope Heaven has a Dixie section

Where I can lounge under a shady tree and drink sweet tea in Heaven