Shaken Not Stirred

America has been infiltrated by the reds

They eat Cubans on rye bread

They turn up their nose to Mac n cheese

They never say thank you or please

These bolsheviks want to ruin our country

They put vodka into their chai tea

They drive slow on the expressway

They are the black cloud to your sunny day

But have no fear there are true capitalists

Americans ready to fight the communists

They eat bacon, drive fast, and eat apple pie

God Bless America always brings a tear to their eye

This group has learned how to identify a spy

They shake them three times and the red can’t lie

They are compelled to admit their true loyalty

A shaken marxist will recite the communist manifesto flawlessly

So if you love America and want to assist

Grab your gun, eat some bacon and shake a communist


The Rowdy Redneck

I’ve had numerous experiences in my life

I’ve been hit by a car, stabbed with a knife

Waffle House threw me out into the street

I don’t care for shoes on my feet

I grew up on spam and fried bologna

Riding in truck beds is a limo ride to me

I love shooting guns and wrestling on tv

Summertime is best spent in the shade of a tree

I can cuss like a drunken sailor

But I always mind my manners around the pastor

I like driving fast and loud music on my radio

I love Playing horseshoes while Dad grills on the patio

I use slang and speak with a southern accent

To me Redneck is a term of endearment

Im blue collar, eat red meat, and love The USA

I love to fight, party all night, and I’m always going to be that way

Marsupial Melee

It was a cold Sunday morning, I had entered the ancient ruins

As I began to search for the lost treasure of the America Huns

I was attacked by a giant Opossum with a scar across his right eye

He knocked me down and rushed over to make sure that I die

I kicked him in the gut as I drew my pistol. Bang! Bang! Bang!

I fired three times and all three bounced off like they were the rain

The Opossum just smiled as he approached me

I was down but not out, I drove both of me feet into his knee

He buckled and I scrambled back to a vertical base

I saw a sword behind the Opossum so I rushed him firing at his face

The distraction was enough to get behind him and grab a blade

He swung his tail and I did my best to evade

But on the second swing he knocked me down

I lied there pretending to be dead on the ancient ground

When he stood over me to admire his success

I shoved the sword straight through his throat and pressed

That day I stayed the monster and found my treasure

And as a reminder I took a piece of him to use at my leisure

Some have a bear skin rug on their living room floor

I have a monstrous marsupial rug that won’t terrorize anyone any more

Christmas Time Imagination

On a cold Christmas Eve I was asleep in my bed

With visions of gumdrops dancing in my head

When I heard a loud whistle and my home began to shake

I went outside to see the Polar Express, for so long I thought it was fake

All aboard the conductor shouted, so I jumped up and went inside

In the first train car was Frosty the snowman doing the electric slide

He gave me a nod and a wink as I walked by

Then Jack Skellington threw a snowball that hit me in the eye

I laughed and a snowball fight ensued, me and Frosty on one team

Jack and Sally on the other, the fight ended when Sally busted a seam

I heard some thudding on the roof so I went to take a look

Sneaking from car to car was the Grinch and Captain Hook

I climbed on the roof and found a sword, hook was no match for me

Especially when John McClane jumped down from a passing tree

We locked the Grinch and Hook in a car and went to speak to the conductor

the train came to an abrupt stop and I saw a sleigh being pulled by reindeer

Santa had arrived and landed as we exited the train

He bellowed a “Ho, ho, ho” as presents began to rain

I picked up the one addressed to me and as I tore it open with my hands

My letter to Santa had paid off because inside was a nimbus 2000

Santa nodded and I flew off to my next big adventure

You may question if the events of this story actually occurred

To that I ask if you’re writing a book or reporting the news

If you are title it mind your own business you Scrooge

Queen Elizabeth II The Robotic Superhero

Let me regale you with a wondrous tale of heroism 

QE was a young woman who saw her country dying from Nazism 

She snuck out of the Royal Palace and joined her countrymen 

With a Thompson machine gun in each hand she helped the allies win
If you wonder what happened to Hitler and his mysterious death

He’s fatal mistake was challenging QE, she took his last breath 

But her battle with Hitler left her severely injured 

However with help from scientists she was reengineered 
Once she became Queen she did not stop her heroic acts 

She took down the Berlin Wall in just two whacks 

She saved the Earth from total destruction from meteoroids 

She flew to space and with a cricket bat knocked them back into the void
Rogue aliens once invaded Britain and tried to take over 

But QE sent them packing with one perfectly placed shoulder 

Seal Team 6 gets credit for killing bin laden 

But no one realizes QE had already put a bullet in his noggin 
QE doesn’t save the world for fame or money

She does because the world needs her to ensure its safety 

So the next time you see her in her little coat in hat

Just know you owe her a million thanks and that’s a fact 

Cowboys Never Cease to Exist

There may no longer be a Wild West 

There aren’t any dirt floor saloons 

No towns full of men in vests

No train robbers sleeping under the moon
No longer are arguments settled by duels

No one rides a horse or buggy 

No longer are tasks done with simple tools

This era has simply become a memory
One thing that has survived are cowboys

Men who like to live life their way 

Men who still love life’s simple joys 

Men with no regrets at the end of the day
Cowboys stand up for their morals

They fight when it’s necessary 

They respect elders and girls

having a good meal makes them happy  
Cowboys are a little headstrong 

They Make quick decisions

they don’t enjoy talking for too long 

And they rarely change their opinions 
Some of you may be a cowboy 

Or you may want to be it  

Just remember that pistol isn’t a toy 

And never cross from cowboy to bandit 
Because if you do 

There will always be a cowboy after you 

Esteban the Guardian

There’s a special street in Hell that is littered with Rose petals

But under the petals are thorns of rusty metal 

On this street are many hills and condemned homes

Some are filled with lost souls, others house demon gnomes 
But there’s one house that remains an utter mystery 

Because no one has been inside in over a century 

Outside this home stands a never sleeping guardian 

His name is Estaban, he’s one the angels that fell from Heaven
He was assigned to guard that house by Lucifer 

he has stood vigilant and hasn’t allowed anyone to enter 

The sidewalks are littered with bones of those who tried to pass 

A strike from his sword will break you like cheap glass
There are many stories about what he guards 

But no one dares to challenge Esteban or even play him in cards

He just continues to stand and fight to protect the house 

He even keeps out the hellion version of a mouse