Stubbed Toe Kind of Luck

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed 

I tried to think but there was a jackhammer in my head 

I sluggishly walked to the bathroom and turned on the sink 

I was immediately covered in water and needed a stiff drink 
I picked up my worn pants from the floor and they had a tear

I put them on anyways because you can’t leave in your underwear 

Outside, my car’s front tire had a flat and I had no spare

So I took off on foot with a scowl and several swears 
On the street I stepped in chewing gum and was chased by a dog

I even managed to get lost in the thick morning fog

Halfway to my destination my phone began to ring

I cringed about the possibility of callers as Beck continued to sing
I wearily answered the phone to be asked about my location 

It was the police concerned about me and they had bad information 

A plane had crashed into the car’s driving on the road 

The plane slid into my house causing it to burn is what I was told
The moral to this disastrous tale I have outlined for you 

Is that sometimes your worst day where fate has left you black and blue 

May be the day that your life is saved from horrible doom 

So change your perspective be more positive and less gloom 

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Keep It Simple

Two individuals were trapped in a deep dark cave
One was actively going insane while the other just behaved

The eccentric one was named Dusty and hated the dark

The calm one was named Flint and only feared sharks
Dusty began berating Flint for being overly calm

Flint just blew it off while drawing shapes on his palm

Dusty was trying every way possible to escape this prison

While Flint just sat quietly because he knew the dangers of their mission
Dusty finally couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed Flint 

He shook Flint asking him why, yelling just give me a hint 

Flint just laughed and said you worry too much my friend

We will get out eventually, life always works out in the end
Dusty just looked perplexed and started crying 

He was trying to remain calm, he really was trying 

Flint smiled and said don’t over complicate the situation 

We are just pieces of lint in the pocket of a Haitian 

The Devil Does Not Concern Himself With the Wishes of Angels

There was once a righteous pure angel
 he was as pure as freshly fallen snow

he had decided he was going to reform the devil 

why he he took on this quest I’ll never know
 he would show the devil how being good made him happy

He showed how helping others brought them joy 

The devil just dismissed this as stupid and sappy 

Saying for a minute a crying baby is happy with a toy 
The angel could not reform the maniacal Satan

So he took a different approach to rid the world of evil

He hid away and worked out the details to an ingenious plan 

He returned and made a tempting offer that was on Satan’s level
Satan had only to sit in a room in exchange for a gift 

The angel would get the gift and be in eternal bliss 

If not the devil would be free and the angel trapped and listening to Taylor swift 

Satan grinned and gladly accepted this was a bet he would not miss 
So for what seemed an eternity Lucifer was trapped

The angel was happy and had not a care in his head

Lucifer devised a plan of his own, and the door was rattled 

The angel stopped and told Lucifer to stop or he’d end up dead
The devil knew the door would hurt him if he tried to escape 

But he wasn’t planning to escape by force, he just started whispering 

At first the angel just ignored him and pretended to be an ape

However the devil would not be ignored and the angel started listening 
The devil said the gift wasn’t good enough and was trash 

The angel laughed this off and went back to playing and smiling

While the angel was down the hill he heard a large crash

He cautiously went back to check and he saw a monster smashing 
Lucifer had summoned the monster but it could not break him free 

The angel just laughed and went back on his merry way 

Then one day the gift was gone from every where the angel could see

And this was Lucifer’s most evil conniving day 
The next day the gift returned but the angel had been burned 

The devil was whispering again and this time it filled the air

The whispering was like poison and made the angel stomach turn 

The angel soon began questioning everything from his feet to his hair
*poof* the angel saw the devil free from the room 

The devil was grinning and walking in his direction 

But the devil didn’t stop he just said better find you a broom 

He bumped the angel as he passed leaving a sting like an injection 
The angel asked why am I not trapped? That was the deal

The devil coyly stated you will but on my time Have fun waiting

That’s when terror sank in and the angel’s fear was real 

The devil disappeared and this just left the angel shaking
The moral of the story is never try to change a leopard’s spots

Never make a deal with the devil if you aren’t prepared to lose 

Because the devil will never change and likes to call his own shots 

Find another way to be happy, one that you truly choose 

Internal Maniacal Laughter 

Have you ever met a man so mean and twisted 
That he’d kidnap your dog to see if you missed it 

Have you ever met a man so wild and insane 

That he’d bash your head open just to see your brain
This man is a myth known throughout the land 

He is said to be 6 foot tall with a machete for a hand 

He is believed to have fire for hair and an accent from the south

It is even believed that he can shoot lightning from his mouth 
This man is feared by many and misunderstood by all

Some say he should be dead or at least trapped behind a wall 

But how can you possibly put that much intensity in a cage

How on God’s green earth can you contain that much rage 
The answer is you can’t, you just try to stay out of the way 

You walk the line, sleep with one eye open and pray 

But for me there is no escape from this terror 

Because I see the man every time I look in the mirror 

Dance Monkey Dance

On a day that was bleak and gray 
I traveled down an abused road

Until I saw a man and a sleeping monkey 

Seeing me the man stomped on the monkey’s toe
He yelled at the monkey to dance 

As he started to play his rusty harmonica

The monkey just stood there in his pants

And snarled as he ripped off his fedora
The man kicked the monkey hard in the gut

Sending the monkey flying five feet 

The monkey just smiled as he landed on his butt

The monkey stood up and began back across the street 
But something was different about it

The monkey was smiling with a knife in his hand 

This angered the man and he took off his jacket 

He swatted at the monkey but only hit road and sand 
The monkey was quick and precise

The man was confused and swinging wild

And he bled more with each knife slice 

The man fell to ground and began crying like a child 
The monkey threw down his knife 

It whistled and a dog came by 

I know that was the end of his dancing life

And as it rode away he had a glint in his eye