Shaken Not Stirred

America has been infiltrated by the reds

They eat Cubans on rye bread

They turn up their nose to Mac n cheese

They never say thank you or please

These bolsheviks want to ruin our country

They put vodka into their chai tea

They drive slow on the expressway

They are the black cloud to your sunny day

But have no fear there are true capitalists

Americans ready to fight the communists

They eat bacon, drive fast, and eat apple pie

God Bless America always brings a tear to their eye

This group has learned how to identify a spy

They shake them three times and the red can’t lie

They are compelled to admit their true loyalty

A shaken marxist will recite the communist manifesto flawlessly

So if you love America and want to assist

Grab your gun, eat some bacon and shake a communist


The Rowdy Redneck

I’ve had numerous experiences in my life

I’ve been hit by a car, stabbed with a knife

Waffle House threw me out into the street

I don’t care for shoes on my feet

I grew up on spam and fried bologna

Riding in truck beds is a limo ride to me

I love shooting guns and wrestling on tv

Summertime is best spent in the shade of a tree

I can cuss like a drunken sailor

But I always mind my manners around the pastor

I like driving fast and loud music on my radio

I love Playing horseshoes while Dad grills on the patio

I use slang and speak with a southern accent

To me Redneck is a term of endearment

Im blue collar, eat red meat, and love The USA

I love to fight, party all night, and I’m always going to be that way

The Light of My Life

There is an evil attached to me like shadow

Some days my shadow is wide, some days it’s narrow

But no matter my struggle I always have a partner

I have a shining light that leads my way, that makes my day brighter

This light is my loving wife, my rock, my everything

She is a beautiful angel that supports my choices and the flaws I bring

She is the queen of my kingdom, she fights my wars

She celebrates my victories, she knows my horrors

She is the piece that I never knew was missing

she’s everything and more than I was I wishing

So bring on the dragons, the demons, or the monsters,

With my soulmate by my side we will conquer them together

Marsupial Melee

It was a cold Sunday morning, I had entered the ancient ruins

As I began to search for the lost treasure of the America Huns

I was attacked by a giant Opossum with a scar across his right eye

He knocked me down and rushed over to make sure that I die

I kicked him in the gut as I drew my pistol. Bang! Bang! Bang!

I fired three times and all three bounced off like they were the rain

The Opossum just smiled as he approached me

I was down but not out, I drove both of me feet into his knee

He buckled and I scrambled back to a vertical base

I saw a sword behind the Opossum so I rushed him firing at his face

The distraction was enough to get behind him and grab a blade

He swung his tail and I did my best to evade

But on the second swing he knocked me down

I lied there pretending to be dead on the ancient ground

When he stood over me to admire his success

I shoved the sword straight through his throat and pressed

That day I stayed the monster and found my treasure

And as a reminder I took a piece of him to use at my leisure

Some have a bear skin rug on their living room floor

I have a monstrous marsupial rug that won’t terrorize anyone any more

Just a Monkey on a Rocket Ship to the Moon

Let me tell you about Apollo the chimp

in laymans terms he’s a freaking pimp

he always wears a cowboy hat

and carries a baseball bat

He can be a ninja and vanish without a trace

or be a gansta in your face

he’s completely insane

and can punch you in the brain

so one day this brain punching, kiss stealing,

wheeling, dealing

monkey was smearing poop on his face

and he decided he was going into outer space

so he built a rocket ship

fastened his bat to his hip

and blasted out of the jungle

it was almost too much for him to handle

and no one has seen him since, some say he died

some say he flew into the sun and fried

I say Witch please

he’s on the moon eating moon cheese

Christmas Time Imagination

On a cold Christmas Eve I was asleep in my bed

With visions of gumdrops dancing in my head

When I heard a loud whistle and my home began to shake

I went outside to see the Polar Express, for so long I thought it was fake

All aboard the conductor shouted, so I jumped up and went inside

In the first train car was Frosty the snowman doing the electric slide

He gave me a nod and a wink as I walked by

Then Jack Skellington threw a snowball that hit me in the eye

I laughed and a snowball fight ensued, me and Frosty on one team

Jack and Sally on the other, the fight ended when Sally busted a seam

I heard some thudding on the roof so I went to take a look

Sneaking from car to car was the Grinch and Captain Hook

I climbed on the roof and found a sword, hook was no match for me

Especially when John McClane jumped down from a passing tree

We locked the Grinch and Hook in a car and went to speak to the conductor

the train came to an abrupt stop and I saw a sleigh being pulled by reindeer

Santa had arrived and landed as we exited the train

He bellowed a “Ho, ho, ho” as presents began to rain

I picked up the one addressed to me and as I tore it open with my hands

My letter to Santa had paid off because inside was a nimbus 2000

Santa nodded and I flew off to my next big adventure

You may question if the events of this story actually occurred

To that I ask if you’re writing a book or reporting the news

If you are title it mind your own business you Scrooge

Queen Elizabeth II The Robotic Superhero

Let me regale you with a wondrous tale of heroism 

QE was a young woman who saw her country dying from Nazism 

She snuck out of the Royal Palace and joined her countrymen 

With a Thompson machine gun in each hand she helped the allies win
If you wonder what happened to Hitler and his mysterious death

He’s fatal mistake was challenging QE, she took his last breath 

But her battle with Hitler left her severely injured 

However with help from scientists she was reengineered 
Once she became Queen she did not stop her heroic acts 

She took down the Berlin Wall in just two whacks 

She saved the Earth from total destruction from meteoroids 

She flew to space and with a cricket bat knocked them back into the void
Rogue aliens once invaded Britain and tried to take over 

But QE sent them packing with one perfectly placed shoulder 

Seal Team 6 gets credit for killing bin laden 

But no one realizes QE had already put a bullet in his noggin 
QE doesn’t save the world for fame or money

She does because the world needs her to ensure its safety 

So the next time you see her in her little coat in hat

Just know you owe her a million thanks and that’s a fact