Shaken Not Stirred

America has been infiltrated by the reds

They eat Cubans on rye bread

They turn up their nose to Mac n cheese

They never say thank you or please

These bolsheviks want to ruin our country

They put vodka into their chai tea

They drive slow on the expressway

They are the black cloud to your sunny day

But have no fear there are true capitalists

Americans ready to fight the communists

They eat bacon, drive fast, and eat apple pie

God Bless America always brings a tear to their eye

This group has learned how to identify a spy

They shake them three times and the red can’t lie

They are compelled to admit their true loyalty

A shaken marxist will recite the communist manifesto flawlessly

So if you love America and want to assist

Grab your gun, eat some bacon and shake a communist


The Rowdy Redneck

I’ve had numerous experiences in my life

I’ve been hit by a car, stabbed with a knife

Waffle House threw me out into the street

I don’t care for shoes on my feet

I grew up on spam and fried bologna

Riding in truck beds is a limo ride to me

I love shooting guns and wrestling on tv

Summertime is best spent in the shade of a tree

I can cuss like a drunken sailor

But I always mind my manners around the pastor

I like driving fast and loud music on my radio

I love Playing horseshoes while Dad grills on the patio

I use slang and speak with a southern accent

To me Redneck is a term of endearment

Im blue collar, eat red meat, and love The USA

I love to fight, party all night, and I’m always going to be that way

The Light of My Life

There is an evil attached to me like shadow

Some days my shadow is wide, some days it’s narrow

But no matter my struggle I always have a partner

I have a shining light that leads my way, that makes my day brighter

This light is my loving wife, my rock, my everything

She is a beautiful angel that supports my choices and the flaws I bring

She is the queen of my kingdom, she fights my wars

She celebrates my victories, she knows my horrors

She is the piece that I never knew was missing

she’s everything and more than I was I wishing

So bring on the dragons, the demons, or the monsters,

With my soulmate by my side we will conquer them together

We Are Just Opossums in the Shed

One Sunday morning I was going through my parent’s shed

When I was startled by an aging opossum head

I reached for my pistol with intentions to make him dead

But I stopped, there was no reason see if his blood was red

He was just trying to get away from the freezing cold

I chased him out and covered the holes like I was told

Not wanting to clean up the mess was the lie that I sold

But truthfully I connected to this opossum that lived to be this old

He was doing what was necessary to survive

He had no evil intentions, just wanted to be alive

He had the ability to surprise attack me but took a dive

He lived to fight another day instead of testing my drive

we are all just trying to keep our head above water

We are doing our best to protect what truly matters

We may be able to break the glass but why test if it will shatter

Make wise decisions and keep your brains from being floor splatter

Just a Monkey on a Rocket Ship to the Moon

Let me tell you about Apollo the chimp

in laymans terms he’s a freaking pimp

he always wears a cowboy hat

and carries a baseball bat

He can be a ninja and vanish without a trace

or be a gansta in your face

he’s completely insane

and can punch you in the brain

so one day this brain punching, kiss stealing,

wheeling, dealing

monkey was smearing poop on his face

and he decided he was going into outer space

so he built a rocket ship

fastened his bat to his hip

and blasted out of the jungle

it was almost too much for him to handle

and no one has seen him since, some say he died

some say he flew into the sun and fried

I say Witch please

he’s on the moon eating moon cheese

The Ones that Follow

“HELP” a dozen people scream

I run towards them, wishing this was a dream

On the ground is a man who is not breathing

Without hesitant I kneel over his chest and start compressing

I yell for someone to call for an ambulance

It seems I am this only man’s chance

I’m still compressing trying to save this stranger

I yell for an AED, I’m focused on my task ignoring all other danger

I’m center stage of a group of onlookers

They all stand and just watch, there are no help offers

Another officer shows up with the AED, I hook it to his chest

I’m tiring but I’m still doing my very best

The AED delivers a shock and the man begins breathing

He weakly grabs my hand, as to say thanks for trying

He quits breathing again and I go back to compressing

The AED delivers another shock as I kneel there sweating

No effect! Damnit! I go back to compressions

Finally paramedics show up and I don’t like their expressions

One kneels down and stops me, they declare him dead

I go numb and don’t hear another word that is said

Phones calls are made and hours tick by

We sit patiently to be interviewed by the GBI

I sit there my body starving for sleep

And wait my turn to be pulled away like a butcher picking a sheep

I tell my story and I am sent away

No matter what happens I will never forget this day

The people that you save fade away into the shadows

The ones you don’t will always be there, will always follow

Christmas Time Imagination

On a cold Christmas Eve I was asleep in my bed

With visions of gumdrops dancing in my head

When I heard a loud whistle and my home began to shake

I went outside to see the Polar Express, for so long I thought it was fake

All aboard the conductor shouted, so I jumped up and went inside

In the first train car was Frosty the snowman doing the electric slide

He gave me a nod and a wink as I walked by

Then Jack Skellington threw a snowball that hit me in the eye

I laughed and a snowball fight ensued, me and Frosty on one team

Jack and Sally on the other, the fight ended when Sally busted a seam

I heard some thudding on the roof so I went to take a look

Sneaking from car to car was the Grinch and Captain Hook

I climbed on the roof and found a sword, hook was no match for me

Especially when John McClane jumped down from a passing tree

We locked the Grinch and Hook in a car and went to speak to the conductor

the train came to an abrupt stop and I saw a sleigh being pulled by reindeer

Santa had arrived and landed as we exited the train

He bellowed a “Ho, ho, ho” as presents began to rain

I picked up the one addressed to me and as I tore it open with my hands

My letter to Santa had paid off because inside was a nimbus 2000

Santa nodded and I flew off to my next big adventure

You may question if the events of this story actually occurred

To that I ask if you’re writing a book or reporting the news

If you are title it mind your own business you Scrooge