Hog With a Watch

Porkchop was your stereotypical boar 

He loved to eat until he could eat no more 

He ate all kinds of things his favorite being slop

He even ate a frozen can of pop
He had one ginormous predicament 

He never knew when the dinner would be sent

Sometimes it came and he was not ready 

He did not like to eat when he was all sweaty 
Porkchop put his mind to work

He would solve this problem or go berserk 

He consulted the wisest pig in the land

He knew Hamhock would lend a helping hand
Hamhock listened to the problem and pondered 

He sat for what seemed like hours without being bothered

Then he exclaimed with great glee

“I have the answer because no one is smarter than me
You need a watch! You know the thing that goes tick tock”

Porkchop was excited but didn’t know where to get a clock

Porkchop left with one answer but had more questions  

And he knew his next destination 
His brother Tenderloin had spoke of such a thing

It was so glorious Tenderloin began to sing

But Porkchop interrupted and shouted “where?!”

Tenderloin annoyed answered “the farmer keeps one in his arm hair”
Porkchop devised the plan that would be the envy of any hog

He would wait for the next thick fog

He wouldn’t have to wait but a week

 a fog set in so thick you couldn’t see your own butt cheek
Porkchop tripped the farmer and took his prize 

He got it back to his pen and brought it to his eyes 

It was a beautiful piece of machinery 

But Porkchop was having some difficulty 
He had the watch but did not understand its use 

He tried many things but it left him unamused 

Tomorrow Porkchop decided he would show Hamhock

His magnificent clock
Porkchop then retreated to his bed 

With dreams of watches in his head

When he could read the watch good

He would know when he would get food 

Bear it All For Jersey

Let me tell you about Pauly the polar bear 

Who was so fancy he wore Armani underwear 

Pauly had only one dream 

And it wasn’t to catch salmon from a stream
Paulys dream was to visit the jersey shore

And find a nice tan legged whore

He wanted to pump his paw to techno

And talk like a douche bag Guido 
He wanted gallons of gel in his hair 

He wanted a nickname to replace polar bear 

He wanted to gym tan and do laundry

He wanted to do everything they do in jersey
But jersey isn’t the polar bear’s natural habitat 

And Pauly knew that

So he sat in sadness with a tear in his eye 

Because he knew he’d never be a jersey guy
Then like a slap to the face 

Pauly decided to bring Jersey to his space 

He opened the first Arctic Night club 

Which welcomes any and all jersey Cubs 

Wrestling is Fake!

Wrestling is fake is the battle cry of haters 

They don’t understand the stories of wrestlers

The heroes, the villains, or the “others”
Are the millions of fans fake

How do fake the injuries the wrestlers take

How do you fake the impact these heroes make
Hulk hogan taught a nation to eat their vitamins 

Undertaker taught you to face your demons

The rock entertained millions and … Millions
Nothing is better than chanting for a hero 

As they overcome the odds and show their bravado

Oh wait wrestling is fake and I’m a zero
So why people continue to hate

I’ll watch as wrestlers battle for the title’s fate

Because wrestling is fake for entertainment sake
 

Ode to Odin

The thunderous sound could be heard across a hundred football fields

Tens of thousand Vikings banging their swords against their shields.

Erik riding a majestic white horse was giving an inspiring war speech

The swords banged faster as Erik told Valhalla was now in their reach 
Erik turned to his enemies an army of ice Giants 

Compared to them the Vikings were the size of fire ants 

This fact only inspired the Vikings, it would make for a nobler death

The Vikings had the smell of ale and raw meat on their breath
Erik bellowed a thunderous CHARGE! And galloped away

Thousands of Vikings followed behind him, but treason was item of the day

A spear soared through the marching crowd 

It struck Erik directly in the neck and he fell to the ground 
Erik was trampled by the horde of Vikings marching to their demise

Because among the ranks of the Vikings was Loki the master of disguise

He had snuck in among the thousands of Vikings 

And now he was laughing as he was watching the killings 
This battle belonged to the God of mischief 

Like the beggar with an apple Loki had stolen this battle like a thief 

Loki stood there watching the destruction as he summoned a singing bard

The bard sung of Odin’s weakness because he would not leave Asgard

Military Support

Brave men of our country
Giving their lives so we may be free
They don’t do it to prove they’re the best

They dont do it for medals pinned on their chest
They do it because it is what’s right 

They do it because no one else will fight

They leave the comfort of their neighborhood 

To shed our enemies blood
Now a days there’s no parade no celebration 

There is no picnic no vacation

It’s back to being mom or dad

It’s back to the same crummy job they had 
See when you see a soldier

Thank them and let them know they are not a stranger

Because a protector of our country

Is a friend to me 

Patience

Patience is a virtue they say it’s good for the soulIf I had patience I’d be in a six foot hole

Patience isn’t for me

I don’t have it or want any 
I don’t like waiting

I have no desire of debating

If you need a moment to think get out of my way

If your not sure where to go come back another day
I’m a man on a mission

And require no intervention 

Patience is a concept of a pacifist puss

Tell me to wait and your neck I will twist
So while your contemplating 

My fist are balling

Because I sold my patience

I sold it in a set with my conscience

And if you try my patience you’ll end up bleeding 

The Highway Walker

I don’t know whether to pity you or envy you 

you are not tied down by a piece of machinery

 you are not forced to pay another tax to the red white and blue 

you are a spitting image of simplicity
You travel down the same road day in, day out 

you don’t blink when passed by a speeding man made death contraption 

You are not phased by the rude passerby’s jeer or shout

You just continue about your business, your mysterious mission
I do not know if you are one of the millions that is forced to live on the street

Or one of the ones overlooked because you have a mental illness 

You have a jacket and shoes on your feet

You are not yelling obscenities or wearing a dress
You are my daily quandary 

And there is a simple solution to my question

Stop and ask, extend a helping hand of sincerity 

But that brings upon a thought of damnation 
If I approach you, and you are delusional, schizophrenic or just plain insane

Would I have to engage in a duel of violence with you 

Would my actions be responsible for the bullet in your brain

I do not know, so I leave you , and pretend I’m Sherlock looking for another clue.