To Be The Very Best

My anticipation is growing 

My nerves are showing

Today is the big day

It’s time to be on my way
I dress quickly 

I run outside wildly

I run towards the path

But luckily I am saved from evil’s wrath 
An intelligent man 

Saves me with a flick of his hand

He takes me to safety

And that makes me happy
My rash decisions  

Outweighed my intentions

I wish to make my mom proud

And defeat the evil who is shrouded 
my great adventure 

Starts with a kind gesture 

A decision that leads to danger 

Do I want bulbasaur, squirtle or charmander 

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Socialism for the Stupid

Millions died at the hands of the last major socialist leader 
Now the democrats may not be as genocidal as hitler 

HOWEVER!

Why should I pay for the laziness of another

Why should I have to sacrifice my family because of an irresponsible mother 
I have worked for every dime I have ever made 

I have not lived a life of butlers, sunshine and lemonade 

UNDERPAID!!

If you are making minimum wage at the age of 30 you have the wrong trade

Maybe you shouldn’t have been a criminal, or dropped out in 8th grade
Socialist want an unarmed, uneducated nation 

Who welcome an implanted terrorist invasion

DISCRIMINATION!

Why is it only criminals accuse the police of brutalization 

Most cops just want to protect the community from criminalization 
Some will take offense to this poem I have produced

Some will clap and cheer because we are like minded 

OFFENDED!!

If you are easily offended maybe you should stay shielded 

Because America doesn’t need you around or we will stay forever divided 

Misunderstood Undead

Braaaaaaains are not the only delicacy in zombie cuisine

Some of us prefer livers some enjoy the succulent spline 

Hell we don’t really have to eat to exist 

But it’s hard to play D and D when you can’t rotate wrist
So for kicks we chase whorey chicks

And make that stupid noise from zombie flicks 

We smell so bad that no amount of gain will clean our shirts

We would change them but if we move our arms to high it hurts 
Zombies get a real bad reputation 

Maybe we should get Al Sharpton to represent our nation 

Have a large rally in the street

Occupy Atlanta with a million zombies on their feet 
Oh great, here comes the angry mob with their zombie survivalist gear

They have helmets, swords, and pads covering their rears 

Why can’t we just live in peace and harmony

In a world without the livings hypocrisy 
Freedom for all is what they said 

Unless you’re one of the misunderstood undead 

Hog With a Watch

Porkchop was your stereotypical boar 

He loved to eat until he could eat no more 

He ate all kinds of things his favorite being slop

He even ate a frozen can of pop
He had one ginormous predicament 

He never knew when the dinner would be sent

Sometimes it came and he was not ready 

He did not like to eat when he was all sweaty 
Porkchop put his mind to work

He would solve this problem or go berserk 

He consulted the wisest pig in the land

He knew Hamhock would lend a helping hand
Hamhock listened to the problem and pondered 

He sat for what seemed like hours without being bothered

Then he exclaimed with great glee

“I have the answer because no one is smarter than me
You need a watch! You know the thing that goes tick tock”

Porkchop was excited but didn’t know where to get a clock

Porkchop left with one answer but had more questions  

And he knew his next destination 
His brother Tenderloin had spoke of such a thing

It was so glorious Tenderloin began to sing

But Porkchop interrupted and shouted “where?!”

Tenderloin annoyed answered “the farmer keeps one in his arm hair”
Porkchop devised the plan that would be the envy of any hog

He would wait for the next thick fog

He wouldn’t have to wait but a week

 a fog set in so thick you couldn’t see your own butt cheek
Porkchop tripped the farmer and took his prize 

He got it back to his pen and brought it to his eyes 

It was a beautiful piece of machinery 

But Porkchop was having some difficulty 
He had the watch but did not understand its use 

He tried many things but it left him unamused 

Tomorrow Porkchop decided he would show Hamhock

His magnificent clock
Porkchop then retreated to his bed 

With dreams of watches in his head

When he could read the watch good

He would know when he would get food 

Bear it All For Jersey

Let me tell you about Pauly the polar bear 

Who was so fancy he wore Armani underwear 

Pauly had only one dream 

And it wasn’t to catch salmon from a stream
Paulys dream was to visit the jersey shore

And find a nice tan legged whore

He wanted to pump his paw to techno

And talk like a douche bag Guido 
He wanted gallons of gel in his hair 

He wanted a nickname to replace polar bear 

He wanted to gym tan and do laundry

He wanted to do everything they do in jersey
But jersey isn’t the polar bear’s natural habitat 

And Pauly knew that

So he sat in sadness with a tear in his eye 

Because he knew he’d never be a jersey guy
Then like a slap to the face 

Pauly decided to bring Jersey to his space 

He opened the first Arctic Night club 

Which welcomes any and all jersey Cubs 

Wrestling is Fake!

Wrestling is fake is the battle cry of haters 

They don’t understand the stories of wrestlers

The heroes, the villains, or the “others”
Are the millions of fans fake

How do fake the injuries the wrestlers take

How do you fake the impact these heroes make
Hulk hogan taught a nation to eat their vitamins 

Undertaker taught you to face your demons

The rock entertained millions and … Millions
Nothing is better than chanting for a hero 

As they overcome the odds and show their bravado

Oh wait wrestling is fake and I’m a zero
So why people continue to hate

I’ll watch as wrestlers battle for the title’s fate

Because wrestling is fake for entertainment sake
 

Ode to Odin

The thunderous sound could be heard across a hundred football fields

Tens of thousand Vikings banging their swords against their shields.

Erik riding a majestic white horse was giving an inspiring war speech

The swords banged faster as Erik told Valhalla was now in their reach 
Erik turned to his enemies an army of ice Giants 

Compared to them the Vikings were the size of fire ants 

This fact only inspired the Vikings, it would make for a nobler death

The Vikings had the smell of ale and raw meat on their breath
Erik bellowed a thunderous CHARGE! And galloped away

Thousands of Vikings followed behind him, but treason was item of the day

A spear soared through the marching crowd 

It struck Erik directly in the neck and he fell to the ground 
Erik was trampled by the horde of Vikings marching to their demise

Because among the ranks of the Vikings was Loki the master of disguise

He had snuck in among the thousands of Vikings 

And now he was laughing as he was watching the killings 
This battle belonged to the God of mischief 

Like the beggar with an apple Loki had stolen this battle like a thief 

Loki stood there watching the destruction as he summoned a singing bard

The bard sung of Odin’s weakness because he would not leave Asgard